Y ou know before I left home, my Niggas
were watching the tape, guess what Niggas
were doing when I got back home? They
were watching the tape over and over
again; none of them was cleaning or trying
to clear the house. They were all chilling,
watching their last night’s escapades.
PrinceEasy was back too, he was just there
chilling, seated like the “King of the New
Street.” Oh well he is, I mean I know how
long he been pursuing Sandra.
When I saw him seated like one king, I just
tapped his head from behind, “why you
come dey sit like that, you pose like a boss,
you dey watch TV like say na you be Man
of the Hour”, he looked at me and smiled, it
was a smile of victory. He said, “I never
even see my own part sef, na Sandra I
carry go school since morning, e never tey
wey I come back they come tell me say
them record am, omo I happy die, because
as I dey give am that yesterday, I just they
wish say person dey record am.” I hailed
him, “PrinceEasy my Nigga!” Quick
Question for y’all readers, now that
PrinceEasy has colonized Sandra’s territory,
does that mean that Sandra has gone back
to her old ways or that she is backsliding?
Not like Sandra has changed her ways, not
like she has stopped being a church babe,
but you know some guys won’t just give up
till they get what they want and by the
way, PrinceEasy is a stubborn Yoruba boy;
he wouldn’t stop till he gets what he wants.
Guys you know something ehn, shey you
know that if a Woman’s juicebox is the
gateway to heaven, Yoruba Boys are going
to dominate heaven, am I right or wrong?
Apart from that, Yoruba Boys understand
that “Persistence overcomes resistance,”
and that is one major key (major key alert
y’all) you need to hold on to when you
want to get any girl you want.
Sometimes, resistance could overcome
persistence but not when you are dealing
with a Yoruba Boy, Girls you know when
you are dealing with a Yoruba Guy, the
persistence vibe is a whole lot different.
You tell a Yoruba Boy you have a boyfriend,
he would ask if he could be your bestie. If
you tell him you have a bestie, he would be
coming from top to bottom like that till he
says something like “if you have all these
people in your life, I am sure you don’t
have a personal house boy, let me be your
personal houseboy, I will do all you want
me to do for you, I will bath for you when
you are too tired to do that, I will wash
your pant and your bra.” He might even say
something nastier, you know.
I sat down to continue watching the tape;
my plan was after watching the tape, all of
us are going to clean up the house. I and
my niggas were chilling with the tape,
catching trips. While I was watching I was
thinking about Mrs. Williams and what we
discussed earlier. She wants to be happy
again, she wants to live again; she wants
me to be available for her.
Mrs. Williams has been with only one man
all her life, kissed only one man before she
met me, she must have missed out some
fun when she was in her prime. I mean,
there is a high probability that Mrs.
Williams has not given blow job before. It is
very possible her plate has not been licked
before; it is likely her meat flap has not
been eaten before.
Maybe we can blame my thoughts on the
tape I was watching as my thoughts began
to run wild. As I was watching Niggas
eating their babes, I was also thinking of
eating Mrs. Williams in the process of
being available for her. I also imagined how
her potorro would be, would it be an abyss
(wild) or a soggy box (tight)? I mean, she
gave birth to Elliot, if it is wild, it is
understandable yeah? I have never being in
the pink canoe of a Mother before so I
don’t know how it is in there or how it
feels riding in it.
We all know what Mrs. Williams wants, she
wants to live again and she wants to be
happy again, I am sure if I put my magical
tongue in her cave of wonders she would
definitely come back to life and she would
be happy when I make juice spring forth
from her cave of wonders but happiness is
not all about that. She needs me to be a
good listener like I’ve been, she needs me
to sooth her, to make her feel loved and
wanted; I am good at doing those.
I was getting excited as I was thinking
about all these things, I was feeling like
the relationship between Mrs. Williams and
I is going be a great one for the both of us,
but will it be? How is the end going to be?
We are getting to the end!
“Na PrinceEasy dey enter after this guy”
King Solomon said, just before my phone
rang; has Mrs. Williams gotten home? I
thought she was the one that was calling
me so i quickly picked up my phone and
when I saw who was calling me I told
everybody to be quiet and pause the tape.
Who was calling me? Can you guess?
My Dad was calling me, he hardly calls me.
As I saw his call my heart began to
malfunction, my heart was not beating
anymore, it was cutting, I began to feel like
I had the AUX cable plugged to my heart,
all my Niggas knew something was up as
they were all asking who was calling me, I
told them my Dad. Ghen-Ghen!
Why is my Dad calling me please? Has
someone called him to tell him all I did in
his house, please readers, shey I am not
dead like this? I have to be a man you
know? Let me pick up first.
“Hello” it was my Mom that was on the
other end, “Hello Love, where are you?”
Where am I? Quickly I answered her, “I am
in school maami, what is going on? How
are you?” She asked me if I went home for
weekend and I told her I didn’t go because
they were not around.
“We are almost in Lagos; we just passed
the Redeem Camp. I will call you when we
get home, will you come?” I am finished;
the house was still in a complete mess, I
can’t finish cleaning before they get home,
how am I going to do it?
As she was dropping the call I told my
Niggas what was going on, I told them we
have about an hour and half to clean up
and leave the house before my parents
come, My Niggas won’t leave me alone to
it so immediately we started clearing and
cleaning the house, Division of Labour
came back to life that Saturday.
We cleaned the whole house and we left
for school. I didn’t want to wait for them at
home in case they noticed something
happened in the house, it will be better if
they call me to come from school than for
me to be there when they see these things.
I might decide not to go home for a long
time if anything happens and it will be hard
for my Dad to come looking for me in
school, so going to school is like running
away, you dig?
“Ahh I’m dead, my Dad is calling me,
maybe they have found out what went
down while they were away!” That’s what I
thought to myself when I saw my Dad
calling me. I sensed my unease as I saw
his call, really ehn we cleaned up the
house but you know we might not clear all
the evidences because we were rushing
but wait first let me pick his call and hear
what he wants to say.
“Hello My Son, we are just getting home
now, are you going to come later in the
day, you should come home, I helped you
bring some things from the village” My
mom said, she used my Dad’s phone to call
again. I told her I will come if I could. I
can’t go to that house for now, I have to
chill for like 3 days at least and make sure
they don’t know about all my escapades
while they were away.
My plan for that Saturday was to sleep in
my room all day, I have not even slept very
well but wait first I have not eaten. Where
should I go and eat? Normally, I would just
go downstairs to the woman that sells food
in my hostel and eat like #200, but
because I still have money with me; Mrs.
Williams didn’t collect her change from the
hotel you remember?
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