You know before I left home, my
Niggas were watching the tape,
guess what Niggas were doing when I
got back home? They were
watching the tape over and over
again; none of them was cleaning
or trying to clear the house. They were
all chilling, watching their
last night’s escapades. PrinceEasy was
back too, he was just there
chilling, seated like the “King of the
New Street.” Oh well he is, I
mean I know how long he been
pursuing Sandra.
When I saw him seated like one king, I
just tapped his head from
behind, “why you come dey sit like
that, you pose like a boss, you
dey watch TV like say na you be Man
of the Hour”, he looked at me
and smiled, it was a smile of victory.
He said, “I never even see my
own part sef, na Sandra I carry go
school since morning, e never
tey wey I come back they come tell me
say them record am, omo I
happy die, because as I dey give am
that yesterday, I just they wish
say person dey record am.” I hailed
him, “PrinceEasy my Nigga!”
Quick Question for y’all readers, now
that PrinceEasy has colonized
Sandra’s territory, does that mean that
Sandra has gone back to her
old ways or that she is backsliding?
Not like Sandra has changed her ways,
not like she has stopped
being a church babe, but you know
some guys won’t just give up
till they get what they want and by the
way, PrinceEasy is a
stubborn Yoruba boy; he wouldn’t
stop till he gets what he wants.
Guys you know something ehn, shey
you know that if a Woman’s
juicebox is the gateway to heaven,
Yoruba Boys are going to
dominate heaven, am I right or
wrong? Apart from that, Yoruba Boys
understand that “Persistence
overcomes resistance,” and that is one
major key (major key alert y’all) you
need to hold on to when you
want to get any girl you want.
Sometimes, resistance could overcome
persistence but not when
you are dealing with a Yoruba Boy,
Girls you know when you are
dealing with a Yoruba Guy, the
persistence vibe is a whole lot
different. You tell a Yoruba Boy you
have a boyfriend, he would ask
if he could be your bestie. If you tell
him you have a bestie, he
would be coming from top to bottom
like that till he says something
like “if you have all these people in
your life, I am sure you don’t
have a personal house boy, let me be
your personal houseboy, I will
do all you want me to do for you, I will
bath for you when you are
too tired to do that, I will wash your
pant and your bra.” He might
even say something nastier, you know.
I sat down to continue watching the
tape; my plan was after
watching the tape, all of us are going
to clean up the house. I and
my niggas were chilling with the tape,
catching trips. While I was
watching I was thinking about Mrs.
Williams and what we discussed
earlier. She wants to be happy again,
she wants to live again; she
wants me to be available for her.
Mrs. Williams has been with only one
man all her life, kissed only
one man before she met me, she must
have missed out some fun
when she was in her prime. I mean,
there is a high probability that
Mrs. Williams has not given blow job
before. It is very possible her
plate has not been licked before; it is
likely her meat flap has not
been eaten before.
Maybe we can blame my thoughts on
the tape I was watching as
my thoughts began to run wild. As I
was watching Niggas eating
their babes, I was also thinking of
eating Mrs. Williams in the
process of being available for her. I
also imagined how her potorro
would be, would it be an abyss (wild)
or a soggy box (tight)? I
mean, she gave birth to Elliot, if it is
wild, it is understandable yeah?
I have never being in the pink canoe
of a Mother before so I don’t
know how it is in there or how it feels
riding in it.
We all know what Mrs. Williams
wants, she wants to live again and
she wants to be happy again, I am
sure if I put my magical tongue
in her cave of wonders she would
definitely come back to life and
she would be happy when I make juice
spring forth from her cave
of wonders but happiness is not all
about that. She needs me to be
a good listener like I’ve been, she
needs me to sooth her, to make
her feel loved and wanted; I am good
at doing those.
I was getting excited as I was thinking
about all these things, I was
feeling like the relationship between
Mrs. Williams and I is going be
a great one for the both of us, but will
it be? How is the end going
to be? We are getting to the end!
“Na PrinceEasy dey enter after this
guy” King Solomon said, just
before my phone rang; has Mrs.
Williams gotten home? I thought
she was the one that was calling me so
i quickly picked up my
phone and when I saw who was
calling me I told everybody to be
quiet and pause the tape. Who was
calling me? Can you guess?
My Dad was calling me, he hardly calls
me. As I saw his call my
heart began to malfunction, my heart
was not beating anymore, it
was cutting, I began to feel like I had
the AUX cable plugged to my
heart, all my Niggas knew something
was up as they were all
asking who was calling me, I told them
my Dad. Ghen-Ghen!
Why is my Dad calling me please? Has
someone called him to tell
him all I did in his house, please
readers, shey I am not dead like
this? I have to be a man you know?
Let me pick up first.
“Hello” it was my Mom that was on
the other end, “Hello Love,
where are you?” Where am I? Quickly
I answered her, “I am in
school maami, what is going on? How
are you?” She asked me if I
went home for weekend and I told her
I didn’t go because they
were not around.
“We are almost in Lagos; we just
passed the Redeem Camp. I will
call you when we get home, will you
come?” I am finished; the
house was still in a complete mess, I
can’t finish cleaning before
they get home, how am I going to do
it?
As she was dropping the call I told my
Niggas what was going on, I
told them we have about an hour and
half to clean up and leave the
house before my parents come, My
Niggas won’t leave me alone to
it so immediately we started clearing
and cleaning the house,
Division of Labour came back to life
that Saturday.
We cleaned the whole house and we
left for school. I didn’t want to
wait for them at home in case they
noticed something happened in
the house, it will be better if they call
me to come from school than
for me to be there when they see these
things. I might decide not
to go home for a long time if anything
happens and it will be hard
for my Dad to come looking for me in
school, so going to school is
like running away, you dig?
“Ahh I’m dead, my Dad is calling me,
maybe they have found out
what went down while they were
away!” That’s what I thought to
myself when I saw my Dad calling me.
I sensed my unease as I
saw his call, really ehn we cleaned up
the house but you know we
might not clear all the evidences
because we were rushing but wait
first let me pick his call and hear what
he wants to say.
“Hello My Son, we are just getting
home now, are you going to
come later in the day, you should come
home, I helped you bring
some things from the village” My mom
said, she used my Dad’s
phone to call again. I told her I will
come if I could. I can’t go to that
house for now, I have to chill for like
3 days at least and make sure
they don’t know about all my
escapades while they were away.
My plan for that Saturday was to sleep
in my room all day, I have
not even slept very well but wait first I
have not eaten. Where
should I go and eat? Normally, I would
just go downstairs to the
woman that sells food in my hostel
and eat like #200, but because
I still have money with me; Mrs.
Williams didn’t collect her change
from the hotel you remember?
_______________________
So I went there and I bought what I
wanted to eat, I bought my food
like I was being paid to spend money
on food. After getting my
food, I turned around to look for
where I would sit to eat, my eyes
met with someone and the person was
looking at me like “come
and sit with us”, who did I see? Oya
Guess who I saw, I know
instead of you people to guess you will
ask who, you Bloody
Nigerians.
It was Elliot I saw eating with his
girlfriend, my ex and Lola’s friend,
Vanessa. With the way he was looking
at me I knew he wanted me
to come and sit with them, so I just
carried my food and went to sit
with them. Vanessa looked back; I
knew Elliot must have told her I
was coming to sit with them because
Vanessa looked back and she
was looking at me like, “what is this
one looking for here again?”
but really, sitting there will be
somehow you know?
I went to their table to sit with them,
“Nigga, are you sure you can
finish this food as skinny as you are?”
That’s what the ode (Elliot)
said to me when he saw how much
food I had bought. I told him I
would finish it and that I have not
eaten in a while. Vanessa took
that opportunity to throw a blatant
shot at me, she said “so you
now want to eat the whole world
because you have not eaten in a
while?”
Vanessa and her boyfriend fired shots
at me like I was an armed
robber facing the firing squad but
what will a Nigga do? Let me troll
along with their jokes or whatever, “so
both of you are now
attacking me abi? Because my own
girlfriend is not here” I said that
referring to Lola as my girlfriend. As
Vanessa heard I referred to
Lola as my girlfriend she frowned a
little bit but I didn’t care, I kept
talking; “Let me even call my
girlfriend to come meet us here sef,
sheybi you people think you can abuse
very well, let my Lola
come.” I dropped my spoon and
picked up my phone like I was
trying to call Lola.
As Elliot saw I wanted to call Lola he
said, “Just don’t waste your
airtime bro, she must have gotten to
her Big Momma’s house
already” (Lola’s big Momma is Mrs.
Williams). Elliot now wanted to
be giving me gist that his Mom is
Lola’s big Momma, gist I already
heard from his Mom that morning, I
was just looking at him, I wish I
could just tell him “yeah I know, your
Mom told me already this
morning,” but I can’t, let me just keep
listening to him and be
pretending like I know nothing about
what he was talking about.
“Oh yeah I forgot, she told me this
morning” at the back of my own
mind I was referring to his Mom, but
he thought I was referring to
his Cousin. “Let me just eat my food,
but the two of you should
stop looking at me like a glutton o, I
only eat occasionally”
“Yeah right” Vanessa said. “But when
you eat, you eat real good”
she added, as she said this she was
doing the under table leg
romancing bullshit with me, you know
it? She was using her leg to
caress mine, she quickly winked at me
as Elliot looked away, I knew
the kind of “Eat” she was saying at
that moment, I am sure you
know it too and if you don’t you are in
the dark like Elliot too.
Vanessa wouldn’t stop; I was
beginning to feel somehow, my
Abraham’s rod was beginning to
remember when it used to make
water spring forth from Vanessa’s dry
land. Elliot was there, my
Nigga was just eating, he would eat
small and stare at Vanessa
then smile like someone that his
destiny was kept in Vanessa’s
honey pot. I was just looking at him, I
really don’t wanna be him, it
was going down under the table he
was eating and he knows
nothing about it.
I didn’t enjoy my food like I wanted
to, that Vanessa girl wouldn’t
let a Nigga eat in peace. I won’t lie to
you guys, I miss that girl too
you know. I should probably find time
for her maybe we could have
some good times like we used to.
Readers, how far? Should I find
time to see Vanessa again? LOL I
know what you all want.
“I am going to my hostel nitemi o,
since you don’t want to finish
eating this small food since morning” I
said to them after eating my
food and they were still eating the
small food in front of them like
they both had sore throats.
“Ok Bro, what is your room number, I
will come check you when I
am back to the hostel” he said. I told
him a wrong room number.
Why did I tell him a wrong room
number? I knew Elliot wants us to
be rolling together, he probably wants
us to be friends but that
wouldn’t be nice as he will be quick to
find out what is really going
on between Lola, Vanessa and I, he
might even find out about his
Mom.
“Sheybi na room 208 you dey” I told
him, remember I asked for his
room number last night? He said yeah
and I told him no problem
that we will meet in the hostel later in
the day, “Mama, take care of
you ok?” I stood up and I left them
there.
I was so filled and tired, the walk back
to my hostel was tiring, I
was so sleepy that I was sleep walking,
you know sometimes you
eat too much and immediately after
the food you just want to sleep,
sleep was so much on my mind, all I
was picturing was the sweet
nap I was going to have that
afternoon.
Finally, I got to my hostel and of
course I went to bed straight up. I
had a sweet and uninterrupted nap. I
checked my phone when I
woke up, checked to see my messages
and all. I was too tired to
get up so I still spent more time just
lying in bed, Solomon called to
ask if my parents noticed anything
back at home and I told him
nothing so far because they have not
called me.
After Solomon’s call I decided to call
my mom, I told her I wouldn’t
be able to come home that weekend
because I have loads of
assignments to do, I also asked her if
everything was alright at
home, she then said “why is the house
so clean, when did you
clean everywhere?” hehe the house
was so clean, maybe My
Niggas and I should just take up
housecleaning as jobs since we
could clean and clear the whole place
in about an hour and half and
no traces was left that my parents
didn’t even notice a loud and
wild party went down there the
previous night.
Finally, I got up from bed to ease
myself. Getting back I saw that I
had a missed call and it was from
Lola, she should be at Mrs.
Williams place na, why is she calling
me again? abi I don cast ni?
Abi she found out about Mrs. Williams
and me? That is not possible
abeg.
What is going on? Why did she call?
Let me just call her back. She
called again just when I was about to
dial her number, “Baby” that is
all I said when I picked her call. “You
ehn” she said mildly so I knew
all was well, it was not what I was
thinking.
“Baby which one is ‘you ehn’, what
did I do again?” I asked her.
“Be asking me what you did there o,
you cannot call someone abi?”
I can’t recall ever calling her; I have
never called her before. Since
we exchanged numbers, her number
has just been there on my
phone, I haven’t had a reason to call
her, so when she said that to
me I was just wondering, why would
she be expecting my call?
“I wanted to call you jor, but Elliot
told me you were at your Big
Momma’s place, are you back?” I was
just playing along; the reason
why she would be expecting my call is
still unknown to me. She
told me she was still at Mrs. Williams
place and I said okay.
“Where are you now? Are you busy?”
She asked me. I told her I was
in my hostel and that I was not doing
anything, she then asked if
she could come see me, since I already
told her I was not doing
anything I told her she could come.
“I will call you when I am outside your
hostel, sheybi you are in
Biobaku hostel” she asked me. Of
course Biobaku is my hostel, no
other hostel is surer on Campus. I told
her yes and that I will be
expecting her.
I got up from bed to get ready for the
Queen soon cometh, Lola is
the queen you know? Had to shower
and all, I didn’t understand the
reason for her coming I was just
waiting till I see her, but come to
think of it, why do you think Lola
wants to come to my hostel? We
will all know when she comes now sha
but now let me go and
clean up.
I went to shower, guess what was
running through my mind when I
was in the bathroom? Y’all know it’s
been a while since I had some
good time and when I say good time I
mean some good knack. Lola
was the last girl I went down with and
we didn’t even finish it
because it was interrupted by her
roommate, my dream is not yet
fulfilled.
What exactly is my dream, oh God! My
dream, yeah my dream is to
do Bingo style with Lola, yeah Doggie,
giving her back shots might
just be a life time experience, I really
want to operate her Idi Araba
like I’m a Medilag student, but I have
so many things going on, I
have her Aunty to think about, her
friend, Vanessa, I just have to be
careful with all these people before
they fuck up my life and I get
suicidal like Tiwa Savage’s husband.
I know what Mrs. Williams want from
me, I know what Lola wants
from me, just random hook ups and
little more of the experience
Vanessa had with me, I think. I should
talk to that Lola girl sef, we
should both know what we want from
each other, me I want doggie
and that is all, after the doggie we
should not meet again, let her
come first sha.
I spent more time in the bathroom,
cleaning up was rigorous that
afternoon, as I was cleaning up I was
also cleaning down, Lola and I
might be going down later in the
evening or some ‘an eye for an
eye’ stunt might occur (substitute an
eye for a head, some of you
won’t understand because you are not
good in maths), but I knew
that was not going to happen in my
hostel, if you know UNILAG
hostels very well you will know such
doesn’t happen in our hostels.
“What will I wear now?” I thought to
myself when I stepped out of
the shower, let me just wear my ‘Who
You Epp’ teez made by
gAgAklotinz that I just bought, you can
also cop yours, check him
out on Instagram @gAgAklotinz and
order yours, it’s dope, believe
me.
I dressed up and I was waiting for
Lola to call me, it was taking her
forever to call me. “I been dey think
say you wan go out before ni”
said Dammy Fresh, one of my
roommates. I told him I was waiting
for the person to call me.
_______________________
Let me just call her to know wassup
jare, I have little patience to be
waiting like I’m a medical patient. I
called her and she didn’t pick so
I kept on looking like a lizard. You
know that feeling when you are
all dressed up, ready to step out and
slay, me I was ready to slay
with the shirt I just bought; because I
couldn’t wait, I dialed her
number again and this time she
picked.
“Hello, Hello… I am driving. Let me
call you back, I’m almost in
school sef” she said that like as she
was talking she was eating hot
yam, so fast I could barely hear her.
Nothing spoil sha, she
communicated because I could hear
her. So I went back to waiting
like I work in a restaurant, Mr.
Waiter.
Thirty minutes later I was still waiting,
“oh maybe she is not coming
anymore” just after that thought she
called, “oya come downstairs
now, I’m downstairs”. Because I have
been waiting for too long I
got up straightaway.
Getting downstairs, I saw what I was
not expecting, “oh God! This is
not happening!” what can I do? Let
me call Lola and pretend like I
didn’t know what was going on. What
was going on?
When I got downstairs I saw that Mrs.
Williams’s car was parked, I
already knew Lola was in the car but I
had to pretend like I have not
seen her, how did she end up driving
Mrs. Williams’s car? Mrs.
Williams is like a Mom to her, I agree
but I didn’t know they were
that cool that she could drive her car.
“Hello Lola, sheybi you said you are
downstairs I can’t see you na” I
said to her when I called her. The car
was in front of me, I could
see the car, I could see inside, I could
see Lola, I could see Lola see
me but I still had to put up that act, I
just wanted it to be known to
her that I have not seen that car
before or I know wh
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