When I was a new teacher in middle school
several centuries ago, I occasionally said
things to students that I later regretted. In the
last few years, I have witnessed or heard
teachers say additional regretful things to
students. Recently I asked students in my
graduate courses (all practicing teachers) if
they ever told their students anything they
regret. After hearing these regrets and talking
with children about what teachers said that
bothered them, I compiled a list of things that
never should be said.
I've narrowed my list to 13 representative
items. Some of these are related to control
issues, others to motivation, and still more to
management. All reflect frustration and/or
anger. Let's start the upcoming school year by
wiping these sayings out of our vernacular.
1. "You have potential but don't use it."
Students feel insulted when they hear this, and
while some accept it as a challenge to do
better, more lose their motivation to care.
Instead, say in a caring way, "How can I help
you reach your full potential?
2. "I'm disappointed in you."Of course we occasionally are disappointed in
things that our students do. In addition, the
result of openly expressing that disappointment
depends as much on the way we say it as the
words we use. But students have told me that
they hate hearing a teacher say this. The
problem with this saying is that it looks to the
past. A more helpful approach looks to the
future. The alternative might be more like,
"What do you think you can do to make a more
helpful decision the next time you are in a
similar situation?"
3. "What did you say?"
This is the challenge that some teachers might
throw down when walking away from a student
after a private discussion about behavior and
hearing that student whisper something. "What
did you say?" is just bait for escalation. Do you
really want to know what was whispered? It's
better to ignore that unheard comeback and
move on. You don't always need to have the
last word.
4. "If I do that for you, I'll have to do it for
everyone."In our book, Discipline With Dignity, Al Mendler
and I make a strong case for the policy that
fair is not equal. You can't treat everyone the
same and be fair. Each student needs what
helps him or her, and every student is
different. Further, no one wants to think of
him- or herself as one of a herd. It's better to
say, "I'm not sure if I can do that, but I'll do
my best to meet your needs in one way or
another."
5. "It's against the rules."
Rules are about behavior. Often there are
many behaviors from which people can choose
in order to solve a problem. Some may be
within the rules. Try saying this instead: "Let
me see if there's a way to meet your need
within the rules."
6. "Your brother/sister was better than you."
Never compare siblings or anyone else in a
positive or negative way about anything.
Comparisons can only lead to trouble
regardless of which side of the coin the
student is. My grandchildren always ask me,
"Who's your favorite?" What if I actually gave
an answer?
7. "I like the way Toby is sitting."
This is a manipulation to get the class to sit
down. Saying this teaches children that
manipulation works. It's better to be direct and
tell the truth by saying, "Class, please sit
down." In addition, any student who is never
publicly singled out for something positive will
resent you. While I used to employ this
technique myself, I think the downside far
outweighs the good, even if it works.
8. "You'll never amount to anything."
Not only is this an insult, but it is usually
wrong. When I was young, I was told that I
would never be a teacher. How many great
people have been told this? How many of you
have heard it?
9. "Who do you think you are?"
Do you really need to know who they think
they are? This question is meant to say, "You
are not as important as me!" This
communicates sheer arrogance and is asking
for a power struggle.
10. "Don't you ever stop talking?"
This is a snide way of asking the student to
stop talking. Never start with a question like,
"Don't you ever _______?" You can fill in any
behavior or attitude: "listen," "do your
homework," "try," "care about your work."
Avoid the sarcasm and directly say what you
are feeling.
11. "I'm busy now."
Don't dismiss a student this abruptly if they
need you in some way. Show that you care by
saying, "I'm very busy now, but you are very
important to me. Unless this is an emergency,
let's find a better time to talk. I really want to
hear what's on your mind."
12. "The whole class will miss _______ unless
someone admits to _______."
Collective punishment is never appropriate.
There are many reasons why we should avoid
collective punishment, but the most important
is that if we want students to learn how to
take responsibility for their behavior, they need
somewhat predictable outcomes for their
choices. When they're punished for something
they didn't do, they see the world as an
unpredictable place where consequences have
nothing to do with choices. This is not what
we want children to learn.
13. "What is wrong with you?"
This question implies a defect or an imperfect
student. We are all imperfect, so the question
is really only intended as an insult. What do
you expect the student to answer? "I'm the
son of abusive parents who hate me?" I have
heard many professionals say that everyone is
perfect at being who they are. A better
approach is to say something like, "I see you
have a problem. Let's work together to find a
solution."
If a teacher loses his temper or gets frustrated
and says one of these things once or even
twice during the year, it's understandable. For
most students, a rare mishap makes no
difference with a teacher who they respect
and like. But if trust hasn't been established,
students are less forgiving when they feel
insulted or wronged. On the other hand, we
can say something nice or neutral that might
be heard by a student as an insult. These
instances are hard to avoid. What we can
avoid is saying things that we know in advance
are hurtful.
I wonder if any readers wish to add to my list.
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